I really thought that I was ok.....

I really thought that I was OK with maybe never having anymore babies.

It's only been in the last 2 months that I have been contented and felt that I would be fine never having another child.

Now I am not so sure. I know that it is bought on by a few things, the main one being that my baby is toddling AND about to turn one. I just cant bear the thought of not going through the baby stage again. I am so not ready to pack up that part of my life and move on. Was I fooling myself to think that I was? I actually really thought I was fine with it, but maybe not.

The other thing that has just come up is the longing for a homebirth. I know you don't just have the baby for the birth, but it is on my list of things that I would love to do. I wouldn't just get pregnant just so that I could experience a home birth, but it is something that I know I will do if I am blessed with another child.

So the above has been prompted by the fact that my good friend has just had a homebirth, although unplanned. I am just so excited and relieved for her. Her first birth was traumatic and she was so nervous about this one. I only saw her yesterday, she was 41 weeks and due to be induced on Monday. I gave her all my labour induction potions in the hope that she didn't' have to transfer from the birth centre and have a medical induction. The excitement of her homebirth is for me (she is still in shock from it) but I am so proud of her that she gave birth to her baby boy herself, with none of the trauma of her first birth. She knew what went wrong in her first birth and was courageous enough to look into the alternatives and had a positively beautiful (albeit quick!) birth. I was so relieved to hear the news, but it also has shaken those feelings again of wanting another.

My husband doesn't really get it. He thinks, "Oh great, the kids are getting older we can do this and that with them now", which is great because he is getting on with it. Me on the other hand is being waaaayyyyy too emotional about it all. I find myself just reliving the last few years and wishing get that they could last longer.

I don't think he really understood what I was trying to out today. I tryed to explain it to him in between tears and flipping pancakes for breakfast. He thinks that I am blaming him for not wanting another child yet. It's not even that I want it now, I think i just want to know that there is an option of another child. Oh dear, maybe I don't even know what I want? His only solution was of course practical, "So do you want to go make a baby now?" Stupid fool suggesting that to me in this state of mind!

Damn people having sweet little babies. And I am surrounded by pregnant people, I really should learn to deal with this all now cause it's going to be like fireworks going off with all the babies due around September.

So a big congratulations to Jen and her her beautbiful family. Cass is going to make the best big sister ever & I can't wait to meet your brand new son. Such a special time in your life, enjoy.