14th January

Most morning, I wake to this beautiful site. My 2 gorgeous kiddies, tucked up in bed right beside me.  The times they come in overnight are random, and lately Xav has been wanting to stay in his bed all night, but then he always comes in for a morning cuddle.  I adore it!  Nothing better than cuddling up to my dearest children, then having chats and giggles once the sun comes up.

Today was an extra special Mummy & Daughter day.  I'd booked tickets for Grace and I to go see the summer youth production at the Arts centre.  The play was Beauty and the Beast, and having never watched or known anything about it, we were both very excited! 

It was also the perfect opportunity for Grace to get all dressed up in the special outfit the Pengs had bought her for her birthday.  Complete with sparkly-diamond shoes, flashy headpiece and jewel bracelet - she looked absolutely gorgeous!  

We went early and enjoyed a babycino (for Grace) and Chai Latte (for me) beforehand.  We chatted about her starting school soon, and she revealed that although she was so very excited, she was a little nervous too.  



~~Grace 5yrs~~

The play was fantastic and we both loved it!  Some bits I had to explain to Grace as a lot was conveyed through singing, but mostly she got it.  She especially loved that there were lots of French words spoken, she has a little love affair with the French language partly because of the Truets and also from her most loved Fancy Nancy books.  So lots of "Oh laa laa's"  and "Voila's"  kept her enthralled and smiling.  She was also mesmerised by the beautiful Bella and all her wonderful Princess dresses, and especially by the turning of the beast into a Prince.  The kissing scene turned her into a giggling mess, hands clasped over face and little eyes peeking through.

I was very impressed with how professional the production was and will definitely be keeping an eye out for any others.

Unwelcome house guest

We have a new house guest, and it's one that I was hoping we'd avoid, FOREVER.

Barbie has moved in, and with it she's bought all her tarty clothes, painfully high heels and unattainable figure. I've been trying to hold out the introduction between Grace and the big-breasted blonde for as long as possible, but generous Aunty Debbie excitedly handed over a stash of barbies and all her accessories today. It was totally done out of love, but I'm finding it really hard to accept her (the doll, not the Sil!) into our house.

It just feels so wrong to me to hand my 4 y/o impressionable daughter a blonde, tall, perfectly proportioned doll whilst also trying to support her in developing healthy self esteem. I know Barbie has been around for decades, and the old favourite line can be trotted out about her "But, I had a barbie and I turned out fine" The thing is, back when I was a little girl, barbie wore beautiful ball gowns, wedding dresses and simple high heels. Nowadays, she is in low-cut skimpy clothing with sky-high heels and a face plastered in make up. You can still get the long ball gowns, just with the added bonus of ample cleavage spililng over the top. Why do little girls need their dolls to look like this?

Grace, up until today, was quite happy playing with her baby dolls and dressing them up in her old baby clothes, now she's all about the black heels and the 'barely there' bikini that she can put on her extremely narrow waisted plastic friend. I guess it's partly the over sexualisation of girls now that doesn't sit right with me either. I know I can't blame it all on a plastic doll, but I think she's partly to blame. Grace is just so innocent now, and I don't some crappy doll to break that.

The mass marketing also grates on me. The aisles and aisles of pink crap dedicated to her, not to mention the masses of barbie plastered clothing and accessories seen around. So far we have avoided the hype of any mass marketing, but I'm realistic to know that it's bound to happen sooner or later. I've actually avoided telling Grace that they are called 'Barbies', instead I've asked her to pick a name. She's still trying out a few different names, but the latest one has been Lily.

I've only glimpsed at the pile of clothes, but already I've seen some that will be put away until Grace is older and replaced with something more suitable. Wendy has some patterns put away somewhere of a barbie wedding dress and some other appropriate clothing, so I might even relent and make some of them up.

Things are not so bad though, I was secretly pleased when Grace chose to take her favourite purple baby doll to bed and left barbie strewn on the floor naked and cold.

Maybe I'm over emphasising how much influence a stupid scantily clad doll has on my daughter?

***Oh, and if any of those horrid Bratz dolls ever enter my house, they'll head straight for the bin!! Even I can admit that Barbie looks like an angel compared to them!!

Week # 4

Wow, 4 weeks have passed now and I think I can officially say I'm in the swing of being a Uni student!

After a mild panic attack midweek about all the upcoming assessments that are due and the looming mid-semester Exams that are in 3 weeks time, I'm feeling not too bad now.

I had my mini Anatomy quiz on Tuesday, which is counted towards our overall grade. I thought I knew my stuff, but the wording and setting out of the questions rattled me a bit and I was petrified that I had failed it. After the quiz, we had our hands on experiments etc in the lab and then at the end the tutor came in to write the student numbers of the people that had failed. I was certain my name would be up there, but somehow I made it through and passed. I'm sure I only just did, but I'll find out exactly next week. Out of the 22 people in that lab, 11 failed - that's how tough it was! We have another one of those in 2 weeks time, so I'm hoping I can be better prepared and come out feeling a bit more confidant. We also have the mid-year exam for that class in 3 weeks, which I am slightly petrified of. It is just such a large amount of things to learn. It is the hardest subject we will do, and has a really high failure rate. I'm hoping that I can at least scrape through with a pass, I'll be happy with that. Because it is such a consuming course, it's really hard not to concentrate on it so much, and forget that I also have 3 other subjects to worry about.

I've had a really productive week with study and have finally got all my research together for my first essay. I'm planning on getting a rough draft for that done this weekend and then spent the next few weeks fine-tuning it. I'm not too stressed now about the essay, just getting started was the tough bit. I met another older student, who is about my age, and I met up with her study group for an all day session on Friday. Both my lectures for that day were cancelled, but I still spent the whole day at uni and feel that I achieved a lot! In the study group is a girl, that I've been curious about for a while (and I'm sure the rest of the class is to!), trying to work out if she is indeed a male that has decided to join the female side. Turns out she is quite open to talking about it, and yes she is transgender and in the process of getting everything changed to girly bits. Very interesting, if not a little confronting to start with - but then you realise she is just another person and she is just another one of us battling study.

The kids have been a bit unsettled this week. Grace was upset when I dropped her off to pre-school on Wednesday. As we got in the car she said that she was sick of being so "busy" and wanted things to go back to normal, and me home more. The poor little things has had a hard go adjusting to me not being with her all the time, and also having to be up and out the door quite early in the morning. Xav did also ask the other day if I could stay with him all day, not leave him like I have. He also tells me every night as I put him to bed that he missed me today, sweet little boy. I completely understand where they are coming from, and I'm trying my hardest to make this transition as smooth as possible for them both. We have all had it good for so long, with me being able to stay at home and be their main carer - something I appreciate not everyone gets to do.

I really struggled the first few weeks, thinking that I had to carry all the load because I was the one going to study. But Duane really made it clear for me the other day when we had a chat. It would be the same if I went to work full-time, they are both our children and therefore both our responsibility. It's just hard after being the one to mostly run the house and be with the children, to all of a sudden stop and reshuffle the roles around.

Wendy has been an absolute god-send, and I can't tell her enough how much I appreciate what she is doing for us. She is loving it though, and tells me all the time how much she enjoys spending so much time with the kids. She has gone from looking after them rarely, and never taking them out in the car, to having them a few times a week and taking them out and about. Every day she does something fun with them - either the park or cooking. They are loving it too, and the relationship they all have is so special. Trevor, Duane and I are all keeping a watchful eye on her though, making sure that she doesn't wear herself out. It's only going to be a lot for her these first few months, until Xav starts pre-school 2 days a week in July.

Right at the start of semester, one of the first year advisers warned us that around Easter time will be tough. Apparently that is when everyone gets sick and both your family and you start questioning if this is the right thing to do. Seems I am right on schedule. I'm feeling like I'm fighting a cold, so for the last week I've been dosing myself on vitamins in the hope that I can avoid it. Also, this week I really started to have my doubts that I could do this. It was a combo of the workload, and the time that I feel I am missing with the kids. I'm hoping those feeling have peaked, and I'm on the way to feeling confidant that I can do this. I just need to stay on top of things, and not get snowballed under - which is a hard thing to do.

I have been thinking wistfully back to the good old days of being a stay at home Mum, and how much of a luxury that really is. I really hope that I didn't take advantage of how precious that time is.

WW week 16

Ok, what have I learnt this week?

That you can't snack all day when you are camping.
That the odd lick, taste or bite when you are baking is not your friend.
That not going for walks or exercising can prohibit weight loss.
That tracking in your head is not very accurate.

I've learnt this and put on 1.2kgs - wow, I am so lucky.

I expected it, so wasn't too surprised. I found it slightly amusing, and hope that I can get rid of the "fresh fat" that I acquired, plus extra, next week.

Jaded Mummy and Scruffy bum Xav

You know how some days are just one long whingey, whiney 12 hours?

Well today felt like one of them.

Nothing in particularly bad happened, but it was just a cumulative effect of lots of incessant chatter, whinging, refereeing & general kid wrangling. I've gotten to the end of this very long day with not much sanity intact and a knot in my stomach that is going to take a lot of quiet time to unravel.

Thank God though, it's 6.45pm and both kids are tucked up in bed asleep. Hallelujah. I didn't get home till nearly 5pm and by then I was counting down the minutes till dark fell, so that the kids could be put to bed without too many arguments. Dinner was a very quick outside picnic (because their boisterous noise was ruining my inside Zen) of spaghetti and multi-grain toast. I know, bad Mummy but I really couldn't be bothered cooking anything substantial. Duane is not getting home till closer to 10pm, so the quicker the dinner, bath and bed the better. Whilst they stayer outside eating like unfed urchins, I stayed in side for some peace and quiet and made a healthy pizza for myself. Then sat inside (kids still outside doing goodness knows what, I didn't care) and ate in silence.

Then it was a quick dip in the bath, run over with the face washer and shoved into Pj's. The rest of their tummy was topped up with rice milk and then as soon as the sun was down, they were hurried off to bed with a kiss, story and wave as I shut the door and thanked the heavens that my special quiet time had begun. I love the little brats, but oh the silence is delicious.

I meet up with some good friends every Friday for a full day. Nicole wasn't having a great day with her 2 y/o and I wasn't feeling the relaxed easiness of having 2 children either. So, I really should have censored what I said to the singleton Mum's. Instead I rabbited on about how hard it is having 2 kids and how easy it is to just have the one, when really I know that when I just had the one I didn't think that was easy either. I'm cool with that though, I'm sure the Mums of 2 + are rolling their eyes at me and how "hard" I've got it. I know I don't, it's just moments of mental exhaustion, of having to think so much for not only myself, but 2 other people who can be so unpredictable, that wears me done. I really think doing this full time Mummy thing for the last 4 + years is starting to turn me into a bitter old hag.

My memory is just so distorted, that I barely remember what it was like to have only the 1 child. Some days I am just so exhausted and should NOT be allowed to spout my jaded views on those still in the honeymoon phase of parenting. I have many, many more good moments than bad so I really need to be talking about those, not going all "Woe is me".

I guess I just find it all tough, probably cause I fill my head with all types of stupid do's and dont's. I just feel that this parenting gig is going to be my most important role and I'm petrified of stuffing up.

Now, onto more happier things.

Xavier

This little boy has my heart firmly on strings, and sometimes I feel he can play me like a puppet.

I am completely enchanted by him and love, love, love all of his little quirks.

He is such a little boy now, the only glimpses I get of my baby boy are when he is laying beside me asleep. It is only then that I can remember my little Xavy baby, the little boy that I fell so deeply in love with. The last of his babyhood was packed up last week with his night nappies. Yep, my clever little boy has ditched the night nappy and is instead going commando overnight. I am just so proud of him, at the still young age of 2 years 3 months, he is completely out of all nappies. I know he was extremely early at 16 months to be day trained, but he seems so young now to be sent to bed with no bubble butt to smack. He has been dry overnight for months, only waking once in that time with a wet nappy. I decided that I really should follow his lead and just take the no nappy plunge. It's a big leap though, taking the risk of having to do a bed change at some ungodly hour of the night. I do have a big incontinence pad on his bed, also his bed is made up mattress protector, sheet, mattress protector then sheet. So if he does have an accident, it's just a matter of ripping off the top layer and underneath is a freshly made up bed. Good idea hey?

It's been a week already and no accidents though. Can't believe he can go to bed of a night, after a cup of milk, and sleep for 12 hours and then not have to pee till he's been up about half hour. The kids definitely don't take after their mother, who needs the first stop, once her feet hit the ground, to be the toilet.

My sweet little SNAG has also developed a few fine ballets moves. He's been perfecting walking on point for a while now, even running and jumping. So, it's not full point, he goes up on the front of his toes, but it's still quite the skill. It looks painful and something that thankfully he's not doing as much now, Dr google suggested that it can potentially shorten limbs so something that should be discouraged. Also he has been practicing his pirouettes, and most of the time can do a full turn on one foot. Quite the sight to see actually, he puts his little arms out in a pose then twirls around. I went to see Maos last dancer last week, and I'm in awe of how amazing ballet would be, so I'm all all for him to further this interest. Duane wasn't too pleased, until he was sent this clip:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Om6tI5kL6D8
Seems, Ballet might help with the laydees. Wonder if they do Daddy and Son classes?

So far, the terrible 2's have been fairly cruisy for me and Xav. He's generally a compliant little boy who has great comprehension and conversation skills, so we don't tend to get to many frustrating episodes. He speaks in beautifully constructed sentences and can get his point across most of the time. Well cruisy until recently. He's discovered that he doesn't have to be the placid puppy dog that follows Grace around doing whatever she orders, and this has created chaos between the siblings. Grace was happy with her little foot soldier, but now he's answering back and not following orders so graciously. It's funny actually, well for the first few fights it is. I'm using a wonderful diversion tactic now though for the sibling fighting. When they are just bickering and there is no definite instigator, I make them sit on the floor, holding hands and looking each other in the eye. I tell then to stay like that until I come back, or until they can apologise to each other and play nicely. They barely get to a minute before they are giggling, cuddling and apologising profusely to each other. It so works. I love it. They are even starting to instigate when they need to sit and stare, without me even saying it. Let's hope this little tactic works for a long time, cause I'm sure the sibling rivalry is sticking around for a while.

Xav's temper has started coming out, and boy it is scary! It's not something that we see too often, thank God, but look out if he's got his grump on. I still think its a bit funny and tend to just humour him when it happens. I ask him if he's hissyfit is over yet, usually he replies no a few times (then continues to scream, stomp, yell) then after a while says in a defeated little voice "Ninished now" Then he is over it. Yes, he hasn't quite got his tongue around "finished" so says "ninished", which I find too cute to correct.

Sometimes there are just moments with the kids, where you need that picture so you can drag it out for 18th birthday to embarrass them. This will be one of those ones. Xav has decided that his nipples are not just for decoration, he is going to use them to feed his little Iggle friend. I've found him a few times like this, laying down on the floor feeding peacefully. He's seen lots of babies being fed, and must have taken notice of Nicole and Trudy laying down when they feed, cause that's how he prefers too. So, so adorable.

~~Xav laying down to breastfeed his Iggle~~

Just a few quick other things about my little babe. He's learnt how to count to 11, sometimes skipping out 6 or 7, but most of the time can get all the way. He counts out objects and can tell you how many things are on a page, sometimes just by counting in his head. The Truets have been teaching him a few things in French and he is so open to learning it, I really hope that he can pick a few things up. He can say "Merci" "bonjour" "Ar voir" and can count to 3, and all the way to 10 if copying someone. He has a go at pronouncing all other French words, and according to Loic, has a pretty good accent too! So with ballet and a bit of French, he should have the ladies falling at his feet!

Little Xav gives his love out quite freely. He's often telling us randomly how much he loves us and who he loves the most at that time. The main recipient of his love at the moment is Jasper and Logan. He tells me all the time how much he loves both of these boys and will often declare it to them when we visit. It's very cute and I hope he never stops telling his friends how much he loves them.

He is waaayyyy overdue for a haircut. His fringe has grown past his eyes, but it sweeps to the side beautifully, just like all the little trendy teenagers. The hair over his ears is long and thick, however his curls are kicking in now and he has a cute little over the ear flick thing going on. Duane is desperate to cut it, and so was I, except everyone who sees his hair loves it and insists that I don't get it cut. Now either they are giggling behind my back about listening to such ludicrous advice or it really does look adorable. Of course, I think he looks all sweet and delicious with his shaggy, scruffy bum hair do. I might just get the front tidied up (seems its a bonus if they can see past their hair) and let the back and side go scruffy.

~~My little scruffy-bum~

The best years

Just lately, I've started to get a bit nostalgic about the last 4 years.

It was November 2005 that I stopped work in the Hydrodog business that Duane & I had, and was waiting excitedly for our little girl to arrive. Well that little blessing came on the 27th November, she made me a Mother and for the last 4 years I have been a stay at home Mum with the both kids.

I think about the last 4 years, and I can honestly say that it has been the most enjoyable of my life. Have I cherished every moment? Well, yes I think I have - but not the crappy ones. I wanted them to be over and done with quick smart, but I think I have made the absolute most of my time with the kids. I do feel very lucky that I have been able to stay at home this long, it has been tough at times financially, but Duane & I both agreed that it was far more important for me to be at home than getting ahead financially. We've managed fine, it's just we haven't been able to save much and it's meant we have had to be extra frugal. Definitely worth it though.

As I fill out University applications for next year and think about childcare arrangements, I have realised how much I am going to miss being with the kids all the time and I am scared that this time has slipped by too quickly and I'll never get it again. My dream was to create a happy, magical and fun childhood for them. Have I achieved that? I hope I have.

I love our lazy mornings, waking and chatting in my bed for an hour or so - will that still happen next year? Or will I be off and out the door before the kids even open their eyes? I treasure our lazy morning breakfasts together and getting ready for what the day brings. Every day we have something on, and I really enjoy all of them. Monday is whatever day, usually a visit to the park, housework and maybe a play date. Tuesday is my Grace free day, so X and I usually head to the op-shops, do groceries or go visiting. Wednesday is Mothers group. Thursday morning is playgroup and afternoon is the Silkwood playgroup. Friday is my other Mothers group which usually goes all day. Our days are easy and relaxed.

We get to have Pj's days if we want or spend the whole day doing whatever we want. There is a lovely balance between schedule and spontaneity.

I have enjoyed being an at home Mum so much and I can't imagine life getting better. I really believe that I will look back on these years as the best of my life, and soon they are going to end.

Next year is going to be a juggling act between studying, working and parenting and I'm hoping that I can keep all 3 balls in the air.

Girls night

Grace had fallen asleep late in the afternoon and didn't wake until 5.30pm.

Desperate action was needed, she needed to be worn out enough to still go to bed at a reasonable hour, otherwise we would be up to goodness knows when amusing her.

I decided to be brave (or stupid) and take her to the movies. I had wanted to go by myself and spend 3 hours all alone watching Australia, so it was a big step to trade that for a Disney movie.

The only kids movie on at the time we needed was Bolt, which I knew absolutely nothing about. Duane said that he had seen the previews and it was an animated movie about a dog. Ok, sounded suitable for Grace's very first movie (well not including the many that she slept through as a newborn!)

I was a little nervous, imagining chasing her around the cinema or shoving my hand over her mouth if needed. Well I should really have had more faith in my darling daughter. She was an absolute angel! Sitting up straight in her chair, laughing in all the right places and slowly eating the popcorn that I had made at home and smuggled in.

Couldn't have asked for a better date! So from now on going to the movies has been elevated to bribe status. I know, it's not encouraged to bribe, so maybe I'll just call it "rewards". I'll take her along to all the kiddy movies that I wouldn't mind seeing, and I'll sent Duane to all the crappy ones!!

We often have nights out for coffee or shopping, so this will just add our list to choose from. We both enjoy the time just the 2 of us, it's these times that I realise how grown up she is getting.

Following my instincts

~~A drop of milk on Xavs chin~~

Why am I not happy to just trust my instincts and do what I know is right and Ok?

Ever since Xavier turned 1 I have been chopping and changing about what to do about his night feeds and co-sleeping. He still wakes once a night for a feed. I bring him into bed with me, feed him and he peacefully goes off to sleep.

I am ok with that. Well most of the time I am. I know that I shouldn't let it, but it is what others think that has me wondering if I should be stricter on him. Stupid hey!

It's just gets drummed into your brain that co-sleeping is wrong. Everyone has something to say about it when it's mentioned and usually it's negative. "Creating bad habits", "What about your husband" blah, blah, blah. The fact that I am still (shock, horror!) feeding him at all let alone during the night is just too much for some. Even the MCHN said that they don't need feeding of a night after 6 months. Breastfeeding is so much more than nutrition though, its comfort as well.

So after hearing & reading about that for so long it's really hard to tune it all out and stick to what I think is right. I am so confused sometimes that I am not even sure what I think is right.

So this week I have tuned it all out and worked out what is right for our family.

I am going to keep feeding Xav if he wakes of a night. I will try to give him the dummy, but if he gets upset I'll feed him. I could never leave any of my children to just cry, whether they are little or older. That to me feels so wrong. I would never leave an adult alone of a night if they were upset, why would I do that to my sweet babies?

The co-sleeping thing I will just go nightly on. If I can be bothered getting back out of bed after the feed, I'll put him back. Otherwise he can stay in with us. Duane and I are both of agreeance that this is ok. He is not bothered at all if either kid sleeps with us, I love this about him. I love that he is gentle and intuitive with them, and certainly not fussed what others think.

2 nights ago I went to bed thinking if Xav woke I would feed him and then put him back to his bed. Well he had his feed, came off and fished around for his dummy. I thought, "Get-up Kirsten, put him back into the cot". But I couldn't do it. His soft, warm body was curled into mine, his sweet milky breath tickling my cheek. The reassuring sigh as he exhaled was enough to lull me back to sleep, content and happy that he was beside me.

I am confidant with my parenting choices, knowing that everything I am doing is best for our family. I am not going to worry about what others may think, the internal conflict that I have been having can be hushed.

For now I want to parent with my heart, my babies are only little for such a short time. I want to do what feels right, and not to feel guilty for that.

Second time round

I was a relaxed and easy going Mum when Grace was little, but I think I am even more so with Xavier.

I just feel like I have ditched all the unnecessary crap and just gone more with the flow. With Grace I was eager for a "sleep through", cause that indicated that I was doing everything right. Lucky for me she was a great sleeper and we never really had any night time dramas with her. She used to come into our bed at about 4am every morning, but never before. I tried co-sleeping one night with her, but found that neither of us got any sleep.

It's all so different with X. Although I would love a full nights sleep, Its not the be all and end all to get it. I still feed him overnight, which was a no-no with Grace. I remember the Mchn telling me that after 6 months they don't need feeding overnight, so I just used to re-settle Grace if she woke. She'd go straight back to sleep, which was more to do with her placid nature than me having some magic sleep cure. It just doesn't bother me having to feed X. I just find it so much easier to bring him into our bed when he wakes, he feeds & I sleep. Perfect! Night time is our special time. It's just the 2 of us, alone and together.

We had a beautiful moment last night. He was curled into my side, quietly feeding and drifting off to sleep. Duane was on the other side of him, already asleep and snoring. Xavier was stroking my arm as he fed, his warm body tucked into mine. I just layed there watching him and trying to etch the image of him in my memory. His sucking started to slow and he eased himself from my embrace and rolled over to his tummy. One arm reached out to his touch his Daddy's arm, the other reaching back to me. So, so sweet. Why wouldn't I want him sleeping beside me?

On a side note.......My damn period is back and it seems back to normal. I guess last months light one was just a one-off. This time I am so moody and my whole body is aching. I feel constantly nauseous, with a heavy drag in my stomach.

What can I do to make it stop again??????????

I really thought that I was ok.....

I really thought that I was OK with maybe never having anymore babies.

It's only been in the last 2 months that I have been contented and felt that I would be fine never having another child.

Now I am not so sure. I know that it is bought on by a few things, the main one being that my baby is toddling AND about to turn one. I just cant bear the thought of not going through the baby stage again. I am so not ready to pack up that part of my life and move on. Was I fooling myself to think that I was? I actually really thought I was fine with it, but maybe not.

The other thing that has just come up is the longing for a homebirth. I know you don't just have the baby for the birth, but it is on my list of things that I would love to do. I wouldn't just get pregnant just so that I could experience a home birth, but it is something that I know I will do if I am blessed with another child.

So the above has been prompted by the fact that my good friend has just had a homebirth, although unplanned. I am just so excited and relieved for her. Her first birth was traumatic and she was so nervous about this one. I only saw her yesterday, she was 41 weeks and due to be induced on Monday. I gave her all my labour induction potions in the hope that she didn't' have to transfer from the birth centre and have a medical induction. The excitement of her homebirth is for me (she is still in shock from it) but I am so proud of her that she gave birth to her baby boy herself, with none of the trauma of her first birth. She knew what went wrong in her first birth and was courageous enough to look into the alternatives and had a positively beautiful (albeit quick!) birth. I was so relieved to hear the news, but it also has shaken those feelings again of wanting another.

My husband doesn't really get it. He thinks, "Oh great, the kids are getting older we can do this and that with them now", which is great because he is getting on with it. Me on the other hand is being waaaayyyyy too emotional about it all. I find myself just reliving the last few years and wishing get that they could last longer.

I don't think he really understood what I was trying to out today. I tryed to explain it to him in between tears and flipping pancakes for breakfast. He thinks that I am blaming him for not wanting another child yet. It's not even that I want it now, I think i just want to know that there is an option of another child. Oh dear, maybe I don't even know what I want? His only solution was of course practical, "So do you want to go make a baby now?" Stupid fool suggesting that to me in this state of mind!

Damn people having sweet little babies. And I am surrounded by pregnant people, I really should learn to deal with this all now cause it's going to be like fireworks going off with all the babies due around September.

So a big congratulations to Jen and her her beautbiful family. Cass is going to make the best big sister ever & I can't wait to meet your brand new son. Such a special time in your life, enjoy.

I'm back!

Sorry for just dumping you like that little blog! I know it is no excuse BUT I have been so busy and just haven't had time to write it all down. Add to that I am having a little bit of a Blog Block, I just wasn't that motivated to sit down and spend some time with you.

I'm ok now though....ready to fill you with way too much mindless dribble!

I do have a heap of back entries that I will finish over the next week too.

Ok going back now to make a start on them.

Mother Day 2008

I have had a lovely Mother's day. Plenty of kisses, presents and being extremely spoilt.

Xavier was very excited about the whole thing, so much so that he had to be up at 5am to start the celebrations! He also came bearing a lovely little surprise in his nappy, I guess if was too much to ask to have a poop-free day. He also surprised me by starting to say "Mum" again. He hasn't said it for ages, but started again yesterday. Ahhh.....the boy has timing!!

So after assisting Duane in changing the wriggly monster, I got to sleep in and the kids & Dad went in to the lounge to play. At about 7.30am the 3 of them returned with toast & a cup of tea for me to enjoy in bed. Of course I had to share the toast with the 2 little munchkins. Grace then presented me with a gift bag, 2 cards and "Happy Muvvers Day Mummy" all wrapped up in a big cuddle. Xavier was disinterested and too busy trying to throw himself off the side of the bed or reprogramme the alarm clock. I opened my present and it was a pair of soft white slippers! Perfect as my last pair are falling apart and the stuffing is starting to come out.

After hanging around in bed for a while, we all got ready to go out for the day. Just as we were about to leave, Grace came up to me with another present bag. The name on it was a dead give-away though "Kazzaz", Yippee! It was my Pandora bracelet that I have been obsessing about for ages. Its a beautiful silver chain with the one charm on it, a heart like the one on Grace's. I am so lucky & I can't wait to add to it.

When Duane had bought it for me the shop Had suggested that I go in to make sure it was the right size. So we went straight to Westfield to get it checked and to also drool over future charms. There is one there that I would absolutely love. It's a mother holding her baby, might have to hint for it for another occasion. I do absolutely love the bracelet. Although its still bare, I can imagine how special it will be with all the charms on it. I haven't taken it off and I love hearing it clink and rattle on my wrist.

So after looking around for a bit the kids were getting tired so we headed home for nap time. We all had a nice luxurious sleep, then after waking headed to the hinterland for a picnic. We went for a drive to Hinze dam, but it is closed so we went searching for horses to look at. We stumbled across a riding school with lots of horses for Grace to ohhh & ahh over. We were heading to a park to have a picnic when I looked over at Grace as she was making a strange noise. I asked her what was wrong and she said, "Gracie got sore throat Mummy" Great, I thought she must have gotten Duane & my germs. Then she threw up.....everywhere. Seems Mother's day shouldn't be void of Poo or spew. We quickly pulled over and got her out to clean both her and the car out. Poor little thing was standing on the side of the road naked, whilst we frantically searched the car for towels, blankets or anything to quickly stop the runny vomit from seeping into the crevices of the car seat. Once that was cleaned up as best as it could we headed straight home. She was fine after that, so I think it may have just been a touch of car sickness.

Grandma & Poppy came over for dinner, yummy silverside, vegies and cheese sauce. Grace was in her element performing and showing off all her tricks. She loved giving Grandma her present (slippers) and card with a big kiss, cuddle and "Happy Mothers day Grandma" She really is a sweetheart!

So all in all it was a fantastic day. I also got some lovely presents & card that Grace had made at school. A flower on a plaster stand. Also at playgroup the kids had made me a bookmark, with a little painting & photo of each of them on it. So special! The little hand made things are just so precious and i am looking forward to receiving more over the years.

Although my kids show me they love me every day, it is nice to have an extra special day!

Just an update

Well we have another Monday visit to the Dr and it seems that I am the sick one now. My ears are infected as well as my throat and I also have bronchitis. No wonder I feel like crapola.

Grace tested negative to a UTI and she is back to 100%, so not really sure why she was hitting such high temps. The Dr thinks that maybe she was fighting off something. Xavier has another slightly infected ear, but he just needs the drops for them.

I have been struggling the last 2 days. Poor kids have just been plonked down in front of the TV with food whilst Mummy lazes on the couch. I can't remember feeling this sick for ages. I am constantly coughing, my ears feel like hot pins being poked into them, my throat is so dry and raw and my body is aching from coughing so much. I want to eat, but everything is making me feel sick when I eat. I'm on A/b's now and I am feeling slightly better now so they must be kicking in.

Duane is at school this week so he leaves at 5.30am and isn't home until 5.30pm, which makes for a very, very long day. Grace is at school today, so that has given me a break. It's so much easier just dealing with 1 child when you feel so bad.

My lovely MIL just popped in to give me some fresh fruit and a chicken and salad for tea. She can't really help me with the kids, but she tries to help out by making dinners, which I appreciate!

Anyway, back to the couch for me. I have zero energy.

Snotty nose children

Before children:

I was never going to have snotty nose children. No Way.

My kids noses were going to always be pristine, not a booger in sight. They were never going to get colds either, because I would be loading them up with healthy, fresh food as well as breastfeeding them until they self weaned. This was going to guarantee that they didn't succomb to a cold as their immunity was going to be top notch. They were going to dutifully wipe their noses, and even ask to have them cleaned if there was so much as a skerrick of snot. Yes, my kids were going to take pride in their facial juices, no snail trail's for them. They certainly weren't going to be so disgusting that they wiped their faces on the couch as they were pulling themselves up on it. I was going to be a good parent and teach them that this is not "acceptable behaviour"

Fast forward:

Yeah well how's that going for you? Xavier has had a gazillion colds & our house is just one huge snot fest. Grace is great and now blows her nose, which makes life so much easier. Xavier on the other hand has spent the whole day with slimey snot all over his face. He will not let me wipe it. I have tried all day, but as soon as he knows thats what I want, his hands start flapping around and he somehow manages to transfer the snot from his nose to all over his head and face. Really nice. Yesterday was a good one, I even managed to have snot trails on both of my shoulders, from when I was carrying the delightfuls.

Silly Mummy!

I love long weekends!!

It usually guarantees me a little sleep in & also lovely family time!

We have just been hanging around the house yesterday and today, getting a few little things done. Yesterday we spent the afternoon planting 50 lomandras in the front yard. Grace & Xavier had a blast mucking around in the dirt and getting filthy! Grace found a few lizards to chase and Xavier pushed a cardboard box around like a walker. Grace also helped us dig the holes and cover them back in once the plants had gone in. Slave drivers that we are, we even got her to pick up the empty pots at the end!!

We also went and visited Wendy in hospital. She's doing well now, still not as mobile as she hoped she would be at this stage but she is getting there. She seems to be enjoying herself, well as much as you can enjoy yourself in hospital! She chats to all the other women in her ward, getting all the gossip. Its got better story lines than neighbours, the stuff that happens is crazy!!

She looks really good and has gotten out for a few showers and to go to the toilet, hopefully she wont be in too much longer!

Today we went to Westfield to get a few things & pick up Grace's new car seat! She now has a fancy convertible booster as she was starting to our grow her car seat. She is so tall. The new one is suppossed to go up to 26kgs (she is about 14 1/2kgs), but she is already at the 2nd highest strap height. Oh well, we can just pass it down if she gets too tall!

The kids got to have a little play outside, then we all went and harrassed the lady with the free taste tests. It was yummy today; stir fry, fruit & natural yoghurt and hot cross buns! Grace kept going back for more, we discouraged her of course (woudn't want her filling up for free...would we!!)

Grace always likes to go on the horsey ride on the way out, it's the bribe I use to get her to stay close at the shops. Well Duane put her on it today, and she went to get off and he noticed something strange. SHE HAD NO UNDIES ON. I had dressed her, but in the haste of getting out the door I had forgotten to put undies on her. She had taken herself to the toilet before we left, climbed up into the car and strapped herself in and also climbed out. We had not noticed. My little girl had been "airing her bits" for about an hour at the shops, Duane hadn't even noticed when she was at the playground. Once we realised I quickly grabbed a pair out of her bag and put them on her. She kepy laughing and saying "Silly Mummy, no undies" Well sorry dear....your the silly one going out with no undies on & it BETTER not be repeated when you get older!!

We then came home and put up my lovely birthday pictures from Trudy! I have been nagging my "non-handy man" husband to put up some other pictures, so he finally got those up too!

I bought a mosquito net for Grace's room ages ago, so we put that up today. It's hanging over her bed and she keeps calling it her "fairy bed" We also put some of the dining chairs in her room and made a tent/cubby. Grace loves playing in it with her teddies. She puts them all to sleep in there, spending ages patting them.

I have just finished making up a little Easter Egg hunt for the kids tomorrow. I am still reluctnant to give Grace too much chocolate so I have made some youghurt covered fruit which taste sooo nice. I have wrapped them up in foil, so thats what she is hunting for! I can't wait!! I love having kids and getting to do all these fun things with them!

Actually I should mention Grace's first encounter with Chocolate. Well her second, my brother had given her a freddo frog once before! She has also had it when we have been cooking, but apart from that we haven't ever given it to her. I knew that this year we would probably not be able to avoid it though, so we had decided to let her have some!

They had a little easter egg hunt at playgroup last Thursday. Grace got into the excitement of looking for the eggs and once she had found them she bought them straight up to me. She was looking at them strangely, not really sure what all the other kids were so excited about these tiny little balls! She gave them to me until she saw the other kids eagarly unwrapping and stuffing their faces. She came back up and took the 2 small eggs and ate them! She was given another 2 later, but she gave them to me saying "Mummy's treat" Ahhh so sweet! I think the biggest reason I had for not giving her chocolate, was her realising what I was eating all the time! I am a chocolate tragic...I love the stuff. So it looks like my little addiction is going to have to go underground, I'll only be able to indulge when Grace is not around!!

30's not that bad....

HAPPY 30th BIRTHDAY TO ME!!

Well didn't that come around quickly! I can't believe that the last 30 years have already happened.

30 used to seem so old. When I was younger, I couldn't imagine what it felt like to be 30. And yet here I am 30, married, 2 kids, 2 houses & 2 dogs. Wowee I am a grown-up! I still find myseld referring to other people as adults, I don't think that I have ever called myself one though.

Anyway now that I am now into my thirties, its all not too bad! My 20's were fantastic, and I imagine that my 30's will be even better! My 20's were full of fun and adventure, my 30's will be too, just with the added bonus of kids! Also what was fun to me in my 20's would probably horrify me as a 30 y/o.

I am going to embrace the next era of my life, its going to be both exciting and challenging. I am going to enjoy every moment and be the best mother I can to my kids. I also want to build my relationship with Duane, it is important that we stay in-tune with each other as a good example to our children.

So the next era of my life is going to be great! Being 30 is not about the "down hill" slide, its about bigger and better things, and about a reorganising of our priorities. Where once I would have enjoyed nothing more than a night out....I now enjoy a night in, just our little family.

So from now on I am "early 30's", & still young enough to dip back into my 20's if I feel the need!

Practice what you preach Mummy!

We have been having terrible trouble getting Grace to keep the straps on in her car seat lately. The little worm always manages to get her arms out, even when we do the straps up so tight she can barely breathe. We have tried making it into a game, where if she takes her straps off the car can't go. Yes we have had plenty of pull overs, or driving along and pretending that the car is about to stop. I make the car jerk and splutter telling her that its breaking down and to hurry and put the straps back on. This works sometimes, but it's a little hard to pull over on the highway and then I get scared that she is not restrained properly and what if we had an accident?

Well today we were driving in the car, heading to Robina town centre to do a bit of shopping. I buckled up the kids, making sure that Grace was in nice and tight. I opened the top gate, drove the car out then closed the gate again, jumped in the car and put my seat belt on. Then I did what I always do and only just realised!

I put my right arm over the top of the belt that goes across your body. I HAVE DONE THIS FOR AGES AND IT ONLY JUST CLICKED! Duh....I wonder if my daughter was copying her silly mother who is doing her own version of "getting her arms out".

I just hate the feeling of the seat belt rubbing on my neck and going over my boobs. It's so damn uncomfortable! I know this is something that I shouldn't do. I'll even admit I have been told off by the "boys in blue" on 2 different occasions. Mummy should have learnt her lesson by now.

So now I promise to keep my arms in. Everytime that I have been in the car since I have automatically put the belt under my right arm and had to take it out again. Maybe I need one of those neck thingies to stop the belt rubbing on my neck? Or maybe I just need to accept it and start setting a better example for my daughter!!

Cluck, Cluck, Cluck

Ohhh I saw a teeny tiny little baby today!

My friend Renee had a beautiful little princess on the 16th Feb and she is just adorable. She has a full head of "crazy & unruly" hair and has the most adorable little frown.

Everytime I see a newborn, I can't fathom that my own kids were ever that little. Grace was tiny, she got down to about 2.5kgs, but I still can't picture it. I sit and try to remember them as newborns and I can only get glimpses. Is it because those first few weeks are just a blur of feeding and settling? Or is it that their personalities are now so prominent that is all that my mind has the room for?

Anyway being around a newborn certainly "rattled my ovaries" again. I wonder if you ever really know if your family is complete? When do you start selling the newborn stuff and moving onto the next stage? I can't bear to do it so maybe there is more babies coming to me? I am so grateful for my 2 beautiful kids, if they are the only 2 children I am meant to have, I am happy.

It's just that I love being pregnant, giving birth and breastfeeding. I know that some people think that I am nuts, but it's my "thing" I feel a deep drop in my stomach if I dare think that I won't experience that again. Even if it is just a passing thought or comment about never having anymore kids, my eyes well up. But then does that feeling ever stop or will I want to keep having babies? "Maybe just one more", says the Addict!!

I also know that if I am blessed with another baby they will be born at home. I want to experience birth from start to finish in the comfort of my own home, surrounded by my husband & children.

Ok I have to stop thinking. To keep myself sane I keep telling myself that we will have another. I know that Duane is happy to stop at 2, but I also know that he would be happy to have another too. He did also give me a glimmer of hope the other day. I was sorting out some of the baby toys and told him that I was going to get rid of some. He said "but we are going to have another aren't we?" So I might be holding him to his word in about umm 2 years!!

I did see a psychic the day before my 20week scan with Xavier. She predicted that I would have 3 children. Girl, boy then another girl. She has been right with the first too, so surely she can get 3 out of 3?? She also said that I was coming into some money. Maybe I just need to fulfill the 3rd baby part to get the money! haha

If your happy & you know it......

CLAP YOUR HANDS!!!

Xavier is being a very clever little fellow! He has learnt how to clap hands and is now doing it all the time. His hands still miss each other sometimes, but he looks so cute with his uncoordinated clapping!!

He started doing it yesterday. We were having the usual 'nappy changing' battle, he was whinging and wriggling to escape. He then started clapping and I don't think that he has stopped ever since!

I woke this morning to a little cutie beside me praticing his clapping and laughing at himself. He is so adorable they way he concentrates and slaps his hands together. He is so amazed that he can do it and concentrates on his hands so intently!

Well it seems I am back to my old sleep walking tricks! Duane said that at about 2am I went in and got Xavier out of his bed and bought him in with us. Poor little boy was still asleep and I then popped him on the bed and shoved him on the boob then went straight back off to sleep. Duane said that Xavier hadn't even made a noise and wasn't really sure what I was doing! I honestly can't remember doing it and I just assumed that Duane had bought him into me last night. Strange!

I Quit!

I QUIT!!

I hereby tender my resignation as Mummy! I am sick of the crap associated with this job! The conditions are appalling and I am over it! The hours are too long and there seems to be no flexibility in reducing them. The position is tedious, mundane and sometimes stressful, however the wage is crapola!

I am supervisor to 2, and they need to be sacked ASAP!! They don’t listen to any instructions, they constantly need to be reminded of things and are hopeless at using their own initiative.

Everything has to be repeated 50 times and even then they don’t seem to comprehend. Unless of course it is something that they want and then it seems they understand completely! Selective hearing is not a strength that we as a company should allow.

They are constantly presenting themselves in an unprofessional manner, one even has been turning up nude....this is so against company policy! I can accept it in the office, but they are starting to also do this on “sales calls”.

I am sure that the companies insurance will not cover their antics either. Surely it’s not too hard to just sit there and do the job??? No they instead want to be on the desk, swinging on the chair or eating the pencils....all the time yelling out to me! Maybe they think that I approve of their behaviour?? Nope and this will be reflected on their performance appraisals, which will be out on the 25th December.

My “business partner” has become more like a silent partner over the last few days. He says that he is “networking”....on the golf course.

Ok...it seems I can't quit so back to "pushing Grace on the bloody swing"