Loving Two

I found this poem the other day and it really sums up how I am feeling! I know that it will all work out in the end but I can’t help but feel that I wont be able to love another child as I love Grace! I already love my little unborn boy but it still doesn’t seem as much as I love Grace. It will be fine I know.

Loving Two

I walk along holding your hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship.
Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited.
And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then he is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you’ve never shared me before.

I hear you telling me in your own way, “Please love only me.‿ And I hear myself telling you in mine, “I can’t,‿ knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I’m afraid to let you see me enjoying him—as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times – only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how he adores you — as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven’t taken something from you, I’ve given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you—only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you’ll never share my love. There’s enough of that for both of you – you each have your own supply.I love you—-both. And I thank you both for blessing my life. —Author Unknown

8th April 2007

Well it’s Easter Sunday and poor Gracie didn’t even get to eat any chocolate today! We are being mean parents and have decided not to give her any for a while yet! I really wanted to get some yoghurt frogs for her but couldn’t find them anywhere! Duane and I each got a small present. I got a box of tiny humpty dumpty’s and Duane got a Guerlein egg with 2 choc bars!

We had breakfast here this morning with Duane’s parents. Yummy omelets! Then just spent the rest of the day laying around playing with Gracie…in between trips to the spa!

Gracie has also gone down to 1 sleep each day! She was having 2 up until about a week ago but then she was finding it hard to go to sleep at her normal time! Some night she wasn’t going to bed until about 8.30….and that is just way toooooo late for us considering I go to bed just after that! So we have been on project “keep Gracie awake until at least 10.30’! She has only been sleeping for about 1 ½ hours but by about 6pm she is exhausted and goes to bed without a fuss. However she has been waking at about 5.30….I am hoping that she will start to stretch this out!! It’s not too bad I guess…she lets me sleep longer and just plays and dozes in our bed!

Also for a while now she has been having conversations on her play mobile! It’s so cute to watch. She says hello and then talks in her a little jibber…goes silent for a bit as if she is listening to what the other person is saying. She then jibbers again and sometimes acts like she is laughing at what they are saying. It is so cute...I really should try and video it! I guess she must copy us on the phone…she is such a little mimicker!! Also yesterday she came out with lipstick all around her mouth! She had got into the top drawer in the bathroom and had found my (probably only!!) lipstick! She even let me take a photo of her with a trampy look on her face!!

Blobby #2 is kicking a lot lately. Also I am feeling lots of tightness and also lots of rolling! I couldn’t find the heartbeat the other day but it seems he had moved to the other side! Duane also said that I am starting to snore a lot…especially when I am lying on my back! I know that I shouldn’t do this but somehow I end up on my back overnight and then wake up really sore the next day!

5th April 2007

Well tomorrow starts the 4 day long weekend for Easter! It will be nice to spend the time with my little family of Gracie, Duane & I! We are going to go for a picnic tomorrow and then maybe a BBQ at Lisa’s house! Saturday Duane will be playing golf in the afternoon whilst Gracie and I go Easter egg shopping! We are not going to get any chocolate for Gracie….maybe just some yoghurt frogs! That doesn’t mean that we miss out though…Duane wants Guirlein and I want Lindt….Yummo!

Gracie seems to have a reaction every time she eats a lot of citrus fruit. She has a urine scold and it burns her bum! She had it awhile ago after a big feed of Pineapple and then again the other day after an orange. The other night she was up for about 2 hours crying and not wanting to put her bum down. She was trying to sleep on her head…kinda in the dog yoga pose!! I thought that maybe she had done a poo so I checked her nappy and there was nothing It wasn’t until the next morning that I realized that she had a really bad scald! Poor little poppet! It seems to be getting better now with lots of Nappy off time and cream.

She is being incredibly cute though. She loves feeding her dolly her water cup. And then tonight she dragged over the pink tri pillow (the one I always breast fed her on), she layed it on her lap and then fed her dolly the milk from her cup! She still seems fascinated by my boobs when she sees them but hasn’t tried to feed again!

We went to 2 different playgroups this week. The first one was in Nerang on Tuesday and the second was at Mermaid Waters. I don’t’ think that we will be going to the Nerang one again….a few to many ferals! It’s a shame because it is fairly small and organized quite well but I didn’t really like how a few of the mothers treated there kids. The spoke quite nastily to them and I really don’t want Gracie around that. The other one was good but very big. I think we might try the other one at the PCYC in Nerang and then if that’s no good I’ll go with Jenni (a mothers group Mum) on Thursday to the one in Mudgeeraba. Gracie really enjoys playing with all the other kids. She usually runs off and joins in with whatever they are doing. She especially loves playing with the older kids!

I had a few tummy pains the other night. I think that they might have been stretching pains because they were on both sides of my stomach. Some days I feel really big and heavy and then others I don’t feel big at all!

29th March 2007

We had our midwife visit with Tracey at the birth centre today. Gracie and Duane came along too. Gracie had so much fun running around the room, and wanting to jump in the bath!

Everything is going well with Blobby#2. There dates are about 24 weeks….but I am thinking it’s more like 26 weeks! I guess we will see at the end who is right!! Tracey asked if I was interested in getting the birth photographed by a professional photographer for free. The lady wants to use birth centre photos for a seminar that she is attending! I am definitely interested. I think that it would be so special to have those moments on camera!! I hope that we can! We talked about Gracie birth and what I liked about that and what I would like to have changed. I told her that I will probably beg for an epidural but I don’t really want it! Just to talk me out of it! Also that I don’t want the baby bathed and I want Gracie to come in after we have had a feed! My blood pressure was good (100/60) and all my urine tests were fine. I am starting to get a lot more kicks now but still mainly on the outsides. Lots of rolling movements too which makes me feel a little sick sometimes! Duane is feeling the baby a lot more now too!

I weigh about 70kgs now but I am starting to fell quite heavy. I think that I definitely look preggars now but a few people have told me not really! My belly is a similar shape compared to Gracie. I tend to carry from the sides not all out in front.

Grace's last feed

Well we got home at about 1am this morning but Duane still managed to go to work at 6am.

Gracie woke at about 6am so I bought her in bed with me to get a little extra sleep! I was wearing a singlet top that always slides and exposes my boobs! Well Gracie must have had a flashback to a week ago and latched on!

I couldn’t believe it!

I didn’t want to say no to her so I just let her go! She fed for about 10mins and seemed to be enjoying it! It didn’t hurt which I was quite surprised about!

When she tried to feed of the other side, but after having a break it hurt me a lot! I guess it was dry sucking! She hasn’t asked again so I really think that now she has fully weaned! I am a bit sad but I am also grateful that we got to feed for so long!

Our last feed was very enjoyable for us both! I spent the whole time gazing at her and thinking how much my little newborn baby had grown up! When she had finished she pulled off and gave me her cheesiest smile! I thought then that this was our last! I have decided to do a collage of all our feeding photos and have it made into a black and white canvas! It will be something that she can keep! I am sure that at times it will be embarrassing to her but when she gets older she might appreciate how beautiful this time was for us together!

If this is our last time, I want to remember a few things.

I am so proud that we both stuck it out for this long!
The early days were tough.
We battled through 3 days of not attaching and syringe feeding.
Hundreds of different nurses banging your head and my boobs together like a pair of symbols,
The horrendous crack on my right nipple when my milk came in,
Your delicate little mouth trying desperately to attach to my engorged boobs, but just slipping everywhere,
The constant recurring bouts of thrush, the shocking pain,
Poor Mummy crying every time you were due for a feed, curling my toes as you attached and praying that you stayed there,
But then things got better,
You started getting stronger and less sleepy,
Feeds got shorter and weren’t painful,
It was now quite easy,
I really enjoyed our special feeding times,
Seeing in your eyes just how much you loved it,
That cute little half cry, half giggle just before feed time,
The little dribble of milk coming out of your smiling mouth,
I will always have the fondest memories of feeding you, my beautiful Grace.

We made it to 16 months! Hip Hip Hooray for us!!

~Feeding Grace @ 2 weeks old~

15th March 2007

Well I seem to have lost a week worth of entries! Bugger!

We had our spa put in on Monday!! It is so nice to jump in and relax! Gracie absolutely loves it too!! She loves splashing about and jumping up and down! The first day we had it she wanted to be in it all day! I think that we have a water baby on our hands!! We will have to get her some floaties though because it is so hard to hold on to her now…she wants to be off by herself! Duane and I have been going in it every night! The massage is really nice…but it’s also nice to just relax in! It’s so cold when you get out of a night though!! We have been keeping the temp at 34 degrees Celsius…as being pregnant I can’t have it too hot! The midwife said not to go above body temp! I love that we will be able to use it all year round though! We are even thinking about putting a tv outside so that we can watch Dvd’s and listen to music! Very nice!

We are off to Tasmania today! It’s the first trip Duane & I have taken there together since our wedding! It’s also going to be the first trip Duane & Gracie have taken together and also the first time that Duane will see our house down there! We are staying with Deb for 3 nights then heading up to Launceston for Angies high tea then through to Devonport for a week! We want to go to Salamanca markets and also take Gracie to Dr Harry’s hobby farm! She loves animals so I think that she would really enjoy this!
I am actually looking forward to coming down this time! I get a little bored and homesick when it’s just me and Grace, but I think that I will be fine having Duane with us! It will be a nice break away too!! I hope that Duane starts to feel better though. He is still feeling weak and doesn’t have much energy! Maybe the break and clean Tassie air will be good for him! I just hope that it’s not too cold!!

I am still feeling good! I am definitely feeling a lot more movements now! Almost every day I get to feel our baby boy wriggling about inside me! It never ceases to amaze me!! Duane even got to feel the other day which was nice! Actually when Duane had his hand on my tummy it was the most movement that I had felt! I still feel a little nauseous at time but nothing too bad!

9th March 2007

Another wet and overcast day today!

Gracie hates being cooped up inside but the backyard is so wet and muddy at the moment! I bought her a play stove the other day with all the cute little utensils and play food! She absolutely loves it! This morning I played with her and we did “pretend cooking” and then pretended to eat it! I am not sure if she understands what I am doing but she always copies! She loves me playing with her and I really need to make more of an effort to do it!

She also loves dancing so today whenever we heard music I got her to dance with me! She is so cute when she does it! I adore her to bits! When Duane got home from work we went to Rosser park to feed the ducks! She loves watching the animals and does the cutest little quack noise! But I don’t think that she realizes that the real life ducks are ducks! I think that she thinks that ducks are bright yellow, just like her one in the bath!!